


It Started with a Spidey-Kid and Ended with an Assassination

by MysticMedusa



Series: 5+1 [7]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Kidnapping, M/M, Mermaids, Nudity, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Protective Loki, Protective Tony Stark, Sick Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 21:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11517378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticMedusa/pseuds/MysticMedusa
Summary: Loki has an odd fear, Tony knows he could be a Disney prince, the bots adopt people/things they shouldn't, Fury bitch slaps people but not the way you expect, Clint and Tony have a bromance, Thor and Tony have naked time, and Tony considers burning down the tower with or without people insideor5+1 things that happen in Tony's life after Loki meets Spidey





	It Started with a Spidey-Kid and Ended with an Assassination

**Author's Note:**

> Because I needed more crack treated seriously and fluff in my life, don't you judge me.  
> P.S the title might be a bit misleading, I swear this is funny and not dark  
> P.S.S the rating is for language

Tony wanted so badly to just blast Loki through the sidewalk and be done with it. He had amazing day planned out of sciencing it up with his most amazing and favorite science bro Bruce and the newest additions to the science club Jane Foster and Peter Parker. Then Loki showed up being the biggest dick on the planet and turning central park into a crazy circus of flying fire breathing bunnies with fairy wings because why the fuck not. He would admit the little furry bastards were kind of adorable. That was beside the point, the fact was Tony wanted science time and Loki was interfering with that. Thor just wouldn’t let him blast the magical bastard and be done with the god’s mischief/destruction. Seriously why couldn’t they just blast all the super villains into the sun or something?

Of course when the call for avengers went out spider kid insisted on coming along. So that was how they found themselves in this very…odd situation. Oddly Tony had no words for the ridiculousness that was happening right now. Loki had been talking big, being the queen bitch/diva he always was as he gave some boring and slightly crazy monologue speech that had Tony yawning and Hawkass practically falling off the side of a building because he was falling asleep. Of course knowing the archer he’d still hit his mark if he fired an arrow in his sleep while falling off a building and would still end up with little more than a scratch and win some weird bet in the process. Seriously at least three members of the avengers had a bet going on at all times. Yesterday it was over the number of times they could get Steve to blush. Which was a lot because the poor guy was the hottest super soldier on the planet(Clint’s words not his because if they’re taking bets on that Tony’s money is still on Bucky but he might be bias because metal arm) and the guy was still a virgin. So yeah, it was fairly easy with that one and the poor idiots Sam and Pietro had made the bet against Natasha. Lesson learned (or not it was Sam and Pietro so probably, maybe, most defiantly not).

Anyways the situation at hand had been Tony landing near Loki for their usual banter which resulted in Loki getting knocked around a bit, losing, swearing vengeance, and then running away like the diva he was. Usually that’s what it ended with. Not today though. Oh no today resulted in spider kid trying to help out which would likely have worked because the kid was freaking strong as hell. But for whatever reason and honestly with the bagful of cats that Loki was Tony honestly had no answer for the god of mischief currently in his arms. The god had honest to god screeched like a twelve year old girl(JARVIS can confirm this, he monitors everything around the suit), had jumped at least several feet into the air, and then landed in Tony’s arms like he was his personal Prince Charming(which Tony was totally hot enough to be, shut up Clint you’re a lying bastard and he could totally be a Disney prince). Tony didn’t even know why his first instinct when Loki jumped was to have his arms out ready to take in the frightened bundle that was the god of mischief. Anyways so Loki apparently was scared of spider kid. He was waving his current scepter while having his face buried in Tony’s armor and saying in an oddly adorable tone, “Kill it with fire.”

So a few reasons this was weird. One, Loki was a god, two, Loki could kill it(him) with fire. The god seriously summoned fire out of nothing during most of his attacks and three refer to reasons one and two because seriously what the hell Loki?

So Tony could have a few responses to this. He was a hero and Loki was a villain, the response should be very clear here. Yet when Clint did fall off a building laughing(damn you Sam for saving his ass just let the bastard fall once so he learns to stop falling off buildings) Tony hadn’t laughed or moved to arrest Loki. No he’d heard Clint laugh, Natasha scoff which for her was the equivalent of falling over and dying of laughter, and saw Steve smirking which was completely wrong for the good captain when in the field while Loki was honest to god shaking like a leaf Tony hadn’t done what he should.

“Yo spidey, take five.”

Peter bless the kid’s heart had decided to leave which caused Loki to at least lessen his shaking. Then Tony had taken off with the god still in his arms and took him to a safe distance before letting the god leave his arms.

“Well Reindeer Games I look forward to our next encounter.” He gave a mock salute which clearly wasn’t what Loki was expecting before taking off and letting the villain get away.

 

~

 

1

 

“What the hell Stark?” Clint exclaimed for like the hundred time(probably not really but Clint was stubborn and persistent so it was probably getting close to that number).

“What?” Tony snapped because he wanted to go to his lab and work on his cars, he’d been neglecting them and he only knew because U for whatever reason had adopted them all and had been bugging him more making it clear he was to shower the cars with as much love as he did with the bots.

“You let Loki get away.” Natasha said glaring daggers at Tony.

“Yeah well you assholes were laughing at him. That is totally unprofessional as heroes by the way, what if he sues us for emotional distress? I won’t let my lawyers help you out.”

“Tony we’ve discovered a weakness and we might be able to use that to finally get Loki back to Asgard.” Steve said which was the last straw for Tony.

“Nope, I won’t be a part of it. Peace out children, daddy needs some lab time and to shower his cars with probably an unhealthy amount of love.”

He whistled and did a little dance as he went. Not because he liked to but it usually stopped people as they questioned his sanity just long enough to escape. He wasn’t sure how long this trick would work with Wanda able to read minds or whatever her glowy red shit did. Honestly half the time Tony forgot because it was like borderline magic and Tony just won’t have anything to do with that nonsense. Not unless it was coming from his enemies because then it was a matter of saving his ass at the end of the day.

So he got to his lab safely and U began bugging him as he tried to drag Tony off to his babies. Dum-E and Butterfingers had clearly joined in eager to be uncles. JARVIS the bastard had joined in on this game telling him what U had named all his adoptive babies. Tony really needed to stop watching movies in the lab. He’d named one of the cars Batman which if you’re going to pick a fictional hero its like the fake version of him and that was kind of sweet but now every time he drove that car he just kept thinking the batman theme song. It also didn’t help he’d randomly be driving and just mutter, “I’m batman.”

He didn’t even understand how this was his life. At least U was a responsible parent. Dum-E and Butterfingers were questionable uncles but JARVIS was there to help and if JARVIS could keep Tony alive well he could keep just about anyone alive so taking care of cars was easy.

He was under one care for about an hour into working on what JARVIS so helpfully told him was Stitch because Tony was a lover of Lilo and Stitch which had apparently given U ideas for names. He had music blasting as usual but suddenly it stopped and he was pulled out from under the car and face to face with a god of mischief. How he got into the lab and tower without anyone knowing or JARVIS sounding the alarms he’ll never know. When he saw Dum-E whirl over and push a smoothie into the god’s hands and Butterfingers was suddenly petting the god he jumped up.

“No no no, Dum-E and Butterfingers you cannot adopt the god of mischief.”

He completely ignored Loki who was quite confused and was focused on both bots that were beeping sadly.

“This has nothing to do with U being able to adopt the cars. No he’s not my favorite, you two can adopt Steve. He’s like a puppy but no adopting Loki. I’m fine being a grandfather to cars but Loki is totally older than me by like a thousand years. I already feel old enough as it is, you adopt him and I’ll age until I’m nothing more than dirt because he is literally older than dirt.”

Loki opened his mouth to speak when the bots beeped sadly. Tony ignored them snatching the smoothie from Loki’s hands to sniff it.

“Seriously? You’ll remember when giving Loki a smoothie that motor oil isn’t an acceptable ingredient but when you make me a smoothie half the time I’m putting my life in danger accepting it?”

Dum-E beeped at him and moved his claw.

“Oh ok I see how it is, you can poison your daddy but not your son. I feel so loved, seriously one day I’m going to be killed and you know what my tombstone is going to say? Death by smoothie, suck on that supervillains. The only solace I can take in the entire thing is that Clint will see it while perched on a building and I can laugh from Hell as he falls yet again.”

He pushed the smoothie back into Loki’s hands and crossed his arms over his chest.

“So what do I owe for this lovely visit?”

Loki was utterly confused and when Dum-E pushed the smoothie towards him he hesitated before taking a sip of it. Dum-E and Butterfingers decided to dance around Loki to celebrate.

“I…came to see why you did not mock me as your comrades did. I am very confused, are these your children?”

Tony sighed because honestly while he should be fearing for his life and calling the avengers the day had been weird enough as it is.

“Yeah, the one giving you nonpoisonous smoothies is Dum-E, the other one currently doing a happy dance is Butterfingers and the other one currently showering the blue sports car with affection is U. Dum-E and Butterfingers have adopted you and U has adopted my cars as his children. Also why would I laugh? People are afraid of things, I don’t know the reason. For all I know you had a traumatic experience that makes your fear rational and I won’t mock that.”

Loki looked down at the smoothie seeming to be deep in thought.

“I do not fear your comrade…it is his webs. When I was a child I was separated from my family on a trip…I was caught up in a web of a spider whose webs cannot be broken easily. The spider is most commonly the same colors as your comrade as well as about the same size. It is usually red and blue in color with black lines very similar to webs across its body. I did not see the spider while caught in its web but I was trapped and none heard me as I cried for them. It was only after nightfall that my fath-Odin found me. I did not care for spider webs after that and Thor and his friends would mock me mercilessly. So I wish to thank you.”

Tony eyed the god seeing how uneasy he looked speaking of his seemingly foolish fear.

“I don’t like cockroaches; they scare the shit out of me. If I ever saw one in the tower I would move back to Malibu until I had confirmation from three different exterminators that they had treated the entire tower. If I didn’t get that I’d burn the tower down. Can’t take the chance those little bastards live.”

Loki looked at him and seemed to see Tony was being truthful.

“Well thank you again.” He said before disappearing in a flash of green.

Dum-E and Butterfingers beeped sadly making Tony rub his temples. Of all the two bots could adopt they had picked the crazy Norse god that tried to kill him nearly once a week.

 

~

 

2

 

Tony was having one of the few days he allowed for relaxing. He had somehow caught up on all projects and upgrades so he had decided to spend some time in his pool. He didn’t like what chlorine did to him so his was a salt water pool. Thor had not seen the appeal in simply floating around but he had decided to join Tony as a learning experience. He also didn’t like swim shorts so Tony had decided to say fuck it go naked. So they were both naked and the pool floor was on lock down to avoid anyone else complaining. He’d already heard enough complaints the one day Thor had decided to wake up and go straight to the kitchen without getting dressed. Natasha had narrowed her eyes which was like her screaming in rage, Clint had squawked and ranted for an hour, Sam had joined his ranting, and Pietro he was pretty sure had been planning Thor’s murder for tainting his perfect little sister’s innocent eyes. So now Thor had full permission to join Tony for whatever activity and they could do it full nude.

The tower was mostly empty at the moment anyways. Peter had gone out with Clint, Natasha, and Sam. Steve had taken Wanda and Pietro to an art museum so that left only Bucky and Bruce somewhere in the tower.

They were relaxing for maybe thirty minutes before Tony found himself pushed under the water by a sudden weight. He struggled getting his head above the water to find a god of mischief fully clothed and clinging to him as he trembled.

“Loki what mischief are you attempting by coming to our home?” Thor asked in a booming voice but paused seeing the state of his brother.

“Hey Lo-lo, what happened?” Tony asked curious how to bring up to the god that both he and Thor were naked.

“I encountered the spider child and he attempted to web me. I was not doing any mischief; I was simply attempting to get sweets from a café.”

Loki whispered it and Tony doubted Thor had heard. Tony ran his fingers through the god’s hair while he clung to him.

“Alright Lo well if you’d like to hang out here, I’ll get sweets ordered in. Just fair warning we’re relaxing naked.”

Loki looked at them both and shrugged as his magiced away his own clothing and began floating in the pool. Tony shrugged at Thor who seemed to accept his brother was there not to cause any problems. Tony had JARVIS put in an order for some pastries and coffee from his favorite local café. Cafés didn’t deliver so it was asking Happy for a favor which was easy because the man was a sucker for free sweets. He didn’t let Happy enter the pool area to avoid getting his friend in trouble with knowing a known super villain was just hanging out. When he returned to find both gods had magically turned into mermaids the few minutes he was away he kind of just shrugged accepting the weirdness that was Loki and Thor. He wouldn’t admit he was a bit jealous especially with Thor’s really pretty gold scales and Loki’s perfect mixture of various green scales. Both gods/mermaids…mermen? Tony didn’t know what to call them came to the edge of the pool to accept snacks. Tony had gotten himself and Thor a hot coffee and got a blended ice coffee loaded with sugar for Loki along with two dozen pastries. When Tony had finished his coffee he found himself being pulled into the pool by Loki and when he came out above the water he found a beautiful fin of gold and red scales where his legs had been. He looked to see Loki grinning and decided to splash the god. After that was a battle of splashing and poor attempts to drown each other. Apparently becoming mermen was a full transformation as Tony found himself able to breathe under water. So he may or may not see why Thor cared about his brother so much. He’ll never deny that Loki was crazy but under(way under) all those layers of crazy was a pretty awesome guy.

 

~

 

3

 

So if someone had asked him what the likely fallout of not making fun of the god of mischief would be Tony would have just shrugged because he would have first off, not thought such a situation would ever happen and secondly, he’d think nothing would come of it. Even after spending three hours playing around in his pool as magically transformed mermen he would have played it off as a strange fluke. So when months had passed and he had gone to the common floor with the rest of the avengers to open presents on Christmas morning. He like the others had frozen at the sight of more gifts than there should be under and apparently beside the very large tree. Of course things were next to it, you can’t very well fit a dragon under the tree.

“Did I miss something? Why the hell is there a dragon here with a ribbon around its neck?” Tony said already walking over to the strange gifts regardless of the others protests.

“Yo Clint the dragon is yours.” Tony said looking at the card attached to the purple ribbon.

“What?”

He turned to see the archer rushing over and snatched the card from him. The dragon had a mixture of black and purple scales and wasn’t too big considering the size you’d think a dragon should be. It was the perfect size for Clint to ride around on.

“Holy shit it says it’s a familiar created by Loki and that as long as I keep it fed it won’t disappear.” Clint looked up at the dragon with wide eyes and squawked when the dragon licked him like the giant fire breathing menace was a dog instead of a dragon.

“We can’t trust anything from Loki.” Natasha said while Tony was looking through the gifts left by the god.

“Thor there’s a note here that says to look in the kitchen.”

Thor rushed off to the kitchen and when he returned stuffing his face with what looked like roasted boar it was clear the thunder god was happy.

“It is tradition on Yule to make roasted boar. None can make it like my brother and he has left enough for us all. It is most delicious.” Thor managed to say between bites and Tony was almost certain there really wasn’t enough for them all. Thor would likely smash them with his hammer if they even tried to get some.

“We should call Fury.” Steve said.

“Good because there’s a gift here for him to.” Tony said holding up a nicely wrapped gift.

It was totally worth the face palm the good captain did.

“Is there one for all of us?” Bucky asked causing Tony to hold up the long box that was wrapped in black wrapping paper and had a giant silver bow on it.

Bucky shrugged and took the gift. It was kind of a given that nothing scared the former assassin and when he opened the gift he looked quite pleased. Inside was a set of daggers and a set of what looked like oils and potions. He read the card and smiled.

“Apparently the oils will help with the pain where the arm connects and the potions will help with the nightmares I have. Not sure how Loki knows about it all but I’m going to have to thank the crazy bastard next time I see him.”

Bucky went to inspecting the daggers which with how impressed the former assassin was they must be good. It was enough to get Natasha to open her gift which was wrapped with red wrapping paper and had a giant black bow on it. Inside was a book that was apparently an instruction manual for a fighting style from another realm. Natasha gave a low approving hum which was the equivalent of her jumping for joy before fainting from said joy. It was weird how Tony had begun reading the small signs from the black widow.

“I guess we should see what else he’s left for us.” Steve said returning form likely calling Fury.

Tony held out the gift for him which was a small box wrapped in red white and blue wrapping paper with stars on it. Steve opened it confused by the set of six small crystals inside. He read the note and like the worst poker player in existence his face gave away his shock.

“What’s it say? Sam and Peter asked looking over his shoulders.

“Apparently if I break one of these it will summon Loki. He says he’ll give me as team leader six times to call for his aid whether it’s a battle or to ask for advice or training.”

“Ah my brother does not offer such things lightly. He must hold much respect for you captain if he allows you to have him at your beck and call at all.”

Steve looked at the crystals before closing up the box.

“Well if this is real I’ll save it for when we really need it.”

Clint was rubbing against his dragon making probably wildly inappropriate sounds to be making with any type of animal. Oddly enough it sounded similar to the sounds Thor was making so Tony was honestly worried that Clint might eat the dragon.

“Whatever, Loki’s all good with me now. Well unless he mind controls me again then he’ll need to give me like three dragons to earn forgiveness.”

Tony glanced at the archer and seeing the blissed out look as he clung to the mythology creature Tony just shrugged. He’d probably look the same way to if he had a badass overgrown fire breathing flying lizard. Natasha wasn’t even commenting on the whole Loki situation as she looked over the information in the book. Sam opened his gift which was what looked like wine but it was from another world. Thor had gasped and said it was a wine very hard to acquire because the elves refused to share with outsiders. Sam had looked worried until he saw the note attached promising that Loki hadn’t stolen it.

Bruce was given tea and incense common of another world that would help him relax. The doctor had smiled and kept the items closed as he moved to open other gifts. Peter was given a few interesting looking pieces of technology that were clearly from off world. The kid was excited as he began looking them over and when anyone tried to talk to him it was just downed out as he remained focused on the items in his hands. Wanda was given a spell book which had a note claiming for her skill set should work with her abilities. Pietro was given two stone that had a rune engraved in each. The note said if the stones were placed within his shoes overnight it would repair them. Apparently the stones had been made specifically for that task so they wouldn’t repair any other items. Pietro had cheered seeing the stones and their purpose because honestly the kid went through shoes like no tomorrow and he rarely found ones he actually liked. The stones were perfect for him so he could keep repairing the shoes he liked instead of having to bitch and complain like he had been every time he was stuck with a pair he hated.

When Tony got to his present he was a bit curious what the god could have gotten him. He picked up the envelope with his name on it and opened it just as Fury was arriving. He ignored the director demanding they let Shield examine all the things Loki had given them. From everyone who had decided not to ignore the director came an unanimous hell no. For Tony’s gift was a promise that Loki would take Tony anywhere in the universe for whatever period of time he wanted with whoever he wanted as escort/protection to examine alien technology. A suggestion was the dwarf home world where Loki could turn in a few favors that were owed to him as the dwarves were leaders in crafting and were responsible for creating Mjolnir and a good portion of Asgard’s tech. It was an exciting idea and he quickly hid the letter before the others could see the promise. Fury’s gift when opened exploded out a rainbow that glittered everywhere over the director making everyone laugh along with an introductory book to the nine realms. Seeing the slight twitch of the director’s lips Tony could see he was happy to have information on alien races.

After gifts had been passed out and opened Tony had pulled Steve aside and told him to use one of the crystals. He’d been confused until Tony had explained it was only fair that they return the favor of the gift. So Steve used the crystal and when the god arrived confused as to why he’d been summoned for seemingly no reason Tony had pushed a gift into his hands that he had actually gotten for the god long before he’d seen the gifts the god left and invited him for Christmas dinner. Loki had stared confused before he heard the familiar beeps of the bots who Tony swore had Loki senses that told them when he arrived. Dum-E gave Loki a smoothie and Butterfingers began petting him.

Tony would never say he regretting inviting the god for the holiday but seeing him shape shift into a dragon and chase a screaming/cheering archer around as he declared himself the best dragon rider in the universe he questioned the idea as things began breaking during their chase. It was totally worth it as Steve flushed a deep red when Tony, Bucky, and Loki all made a sex joke regarding Clint being a dragon rider. What wasn’t worth it was the massive amount of pranks, Bruce Hulking out and nearly crushing Clint as he fell in love with the dragon and decided to hug both it and Clint, Natasha nearly killing Sam while testing out the new moves(thanks Thor for volunteering the man for tribute and damn you for not getting that reference), Tony tripped over Bucky and nearly broke his back trying to move the massively heavy super soldier when the man didn’t read the instructions of the potion that would put him right to sleep(the bastard had fallen asleep right in the walkway). Thor apparently decided Christmas/Yule meant time to get drunk and fight people. He had literally screamed fight me and then proceeded to be punched through a wall by Hulk who was still one arm hugging the dragon(and Clint but he was likely already dead with how tightly Hulk was hugging them both so Tony was going to make sure the archer’s tombstone said death by snu-snu because thank you futurama for that reference that no one Tony hung out with got). Clint didn’t actually die though so apparently Tony didn’t get to give him the most amazing tombstone ever.

Overall the destruction was limited to a few floors of the tower, Fury attempted(and failed) to arrest Loki and for his efforts now had a full head of constantly changing hair that reached his lower back and not only grew back longer each time he tried to cut it but also gave away when he was angry/irritated because it bitch slapped those who were the source of said anger or irritation. It was honestly the best prank ever especially after Tony had seen lime green hair bitch slap Steve. It was also slightly amusing when Fury had nearly tripped over Bucky and was yanked to the floor so his hair that was neon blue at the time bitch slapped the sleeping deadly assassin that normally did scare the shit out of Fury. Christmas dinner went over amazingly with Steve having a constant blush as everyone including Loki and Tony complimented his cooking. It was a surprise as Loki was still a supervillain even if they had an unspoken truce at the moment and Tony honestly had never complimented any of the avengers cooking and that included Sam’s amazing (and sadly super-secret) lasagna recipe that had nearly all the avengers fighting to the death for leftovers and/or offering their soul for the recipe. Tony was almost certain Clint had actually sold his soul already for it but Tony couldn’t be sure.

 

~

 

4

 

Tony had been calculating the new upgrades he was considering for War Machine. Rhodey was due to bring in the armor soon and Tony had decided the no name villain that had been giving his big boring villain speech was just not worth his time to listen to. The only reason he was pulled from his thoughts was because the villain had kicked the chair he was currently tied to.

“What? Sorry were you saying something?”

“How dare you. Do you think yourself so much better than the rest of us that you don’t take it seriously that I could kill you at any moment?” The villain snapped waving his gun around like it was honestly supposed to frighten him.

Seriously the guy only managed to kidnap him because one, Tony was currently working on maybe two hours of sleep in the past…five? Probably five days. Maybe six. JARVIS was the one who monitored that kind of information and currently Tony didn’t have access to JARVIS because this asshole kidnapped him. And two, Tony maybe, possibly, most defiantly was running a fever so yeah. Going to his favorite café for coffee when JARVIS was telling him not to go because he was sick and threatening to get Steve and Bucky(the two bastards were the ultimate mother hens and he had money bet on them and their overly protective mother henning being the death of him. Natasha had happily accepted that bet and besides putting it on his tombstone ‘here lies Tony Stark who died by super soldier love’ she would also get all his money as her winnings). He just needed to get in it in writing. So far that was an issue because Pepper glared at him every time while Clint was conveniently around each time to say he would happily die by super soldier love. Apparently he hadn’t thought out the wording well because now people thought he was in a threesome with Steve and Bucky. Which painted a nice picture if Steve wasn’t straight and only into deadly women who could kill him. Tony had money bet on him ending up with Natasha. Sam had taken that bet. Thor had taken the bet that Natasha would also one day be his end. He had a feeling he was only going to lose that bet because Natasha knew everything and she wouldn’t want him winning that bet not because he had enough money already but because Thor was like a big fluffy puppy dog that was just to adorable for this world (Tony was considering gift wrapping him and sending him back to Asgard with a note that said ‘please don’t return, we’re not worthy of his adorableness). It likely wouldn’t happen because he knew for a fact Jane would kill him and if not her Darcy would taze the shit out of him. He was pretty sure she and Phil had started a ‘let’s taze Tony Stark’ fanclub.  

Anyways back to the matter at hand, this guy just got lucky. In Tony’s defense though, he didn’t like sleeping, people telling him what to do, and he had like a shit tone of work to do so yeah of course he got sick. So sue him. Well don’t actually because that made more work for him and Pepper had said if he fucked up again within the next…two? Maybe three months that resulted in a lawsuit he would never have to worry about villains again. That of course was code for ‘I’ll consider killing you with my heels but I won’t actually do it because my clothes cost a fortune and I don’t want blood on my heels. But I know Natasha so play nice or else’ it was the most friendly, sweet, and terrifying threat she could ever tell Tony. He knew Natasha would happily kill him to. Pepper wouldn’t even have to pay her. She’s just give Natasha a look and next thing he’d know his throat would be slit, his body at the bottom of the ocean, and the two off sipping martinis.

Tony totally had a response to arrogant but pathetic no name villain number fifty. He honestly couldn’t remember their names or their evil plans but he was good with numbers. So he kept track of no name villains by number. He of course didn’t get a chance to give said response because he was crushed under however much the local god of mischief weighed as he landed on Tony’s lap (he was pretty sure his dick was broken just like the chair he’d been tied to). He groaned not just because of the pain and his poor (hopefully still working dick) but also because he was really really sick and he almost wished he’d let the two super soldiers mother hen him into an early grave. It was clearly the damn apocalypse if he was wishing he’d let Steve fucking Rogers and Bucky badass motherfucking Barnes mother hen him. He knew if JARVIS was around to hear him say that he’d be calling Rhodey to tell him it was time to check Tony into a mental hospital because he’d clearly gone mad.

“Man of iron, why were you tied to a chair?”

Tony was too feverish to think straight as he smiled up goofily at Loki.

“Hey Lo-lo, I was going to get coffee and then this dickhead kidnapped me and made me listen to his really boring villain speech. I miss your super awesome villain speeches. Also JARVIS was super mean to me and threaten to get Steve and Bucky to mother hen me because apparently I have a nearing dangerously high fever. But I totally call bullshit because I’m Tony fucking Stark and I will die either by red headed assassins or amazing sex with you when I finally tell you I think you’re super sexy and I love you.”

He then proceeded to pass out. If later he woke up bundled in a mountain of blankets, being given homemade soup by a certain Norse deity, and said deity threatening to kill everyone and blow up a city if they even tried to remove him from the genius’s side well then clearly Tony had died and gone to heaven. He was pretty sure he hadn’t though because Steve’s meanie face Captain America’s disappointed stare was aimed at him and he was pretty sure Heaven didn’t have that. So either he was still alive or he was in Hell. That didn’t make sense either though because why would Steve tightass and righteous Rogers be in Hell? Maybe he secretly killed puppies and stole their power? That was totally how his puppy dog eyes worked on even Natasha and Fury.

 

~

 

5

 

Tony was tapping away on his tablet working on the upgrades he’d been considering while he was kidnapped and sick. He was recently recovered so Loki could stop taking care of him and threatening death and destruction. Of course he honestly wasn’t sure how he’d ended up in the situation he was currently stuck in. He was flung over Bucky’s shoulder as he ran through the tower attempting to escape Loki. Tony didn’t know what was going on but he was still able to work so he honestly didn’t care.

“You can’t have him! His cute bubble butt will be mine.” Bucky declared squeezing said bubble butt which wasn’t a good move seeing as Tony hadn’t gotten laid in…well shit like a year or two. Damn Pepper for breaking up with him but honestly he understood it because she was awesome and deserved better. Moral of the story was he popped a boner right there and it wasn’t helping it was pressing into Bucky’s very muscular and attractive body.

“He said he loves me and thinks I’m sexy, give him back.” Loki demanded as he followed after attempting to retrieve the genius.

Tony was pretty sure the only reason Bucky hadn’t been caught yet was because Thor had nearly squeezed the life out of Loki when it seemed he’d be joining the side of good so it gave the assassin a head start. Of course Tony didn’t remember saying he loved Loki but he had been pretty sick so maybe. Either way Bucky was now kidnapping him and Loki looked ready to murder someone. Tony probably should be concerned but his mind was already in work mode after being sick for a week and not working on all the things he needed to. Plus he hadn’t had any coffee yet which was a shame. Bucky jumped over an obstacle while escaping which was thankfully under a vent covering so Clint with his amazing aim dropped the sealed thermos of coffee just in time for Tony to catch it. Thank god for his odd bromance with the archer. He’d have to build him a new bow and buy him a fancy car after this. He drank the delicious fresh brewed coffee while he was being kidnapped. By the time Loki finally caught Bucky (and by extension him) Tony had finished working out the details of the upgrade. The two wrestled for a bit before Bucky declared they could either share Tony or Bucky would kill Loki in his sleep so he couldn’t get between them. Loki had accepted and Tony hadn’t questioned both attempting to make out with him. All he knew was he totally blamed Peter for this but at least he had two hot boyfriends.

 

~

 

+1

 

Tony was relaxing as he lay on Loki with Bucky sucking hickies into his neck. Things had been quiet lately which probably should have been the first hint that something was going to happen. Sure the avengers had accepted Loki into the tower and their group but he’d forgotten that Clint’s version of acceptance was a mandatory prank. Of course none of the others knew the reason Loki had been afraid of spidery kid. Clint apparently thought Loki was afraid of all bugs as he silently approached them and dropped something on the three lovers. Tony opened his eyes and screeched at the top of his lungs. In 0.5 seconds Tony had jumped off his lovers and the couch they had been on, he was out of the room, crashed through the floor to ceiling windows, and in the iron man suit with the destination of Malibu.

When Loki and Bucky had JARVIS contact Tony he knew he was on speaker because he heard Steve panicking about why Tony had jumped through the window after screaming at the top of his lungs and giving Pietro a run for his money in speed. He could also hear Clint being strangled which Tony at the moment was thinking of giving Bucky all the sex he could ever want as a reward if he didn’t have to have the tower burned down with the assassin still in it.

“Anthony-”

“I’m going to stop you right there Lo-lo, you know my rule. Get the exterminators there right this instant or burn the tower to the ground. I don’t care how many people are inside it, I won’t take the chance that bitch escapes.”

“It was a fake cockroach love.”

“I won’t risk it! You know what, I get it. I’m being ridiculous. Tell you what, I’ll settle for video footage of the winter soldier assassinating that roach and its entire family, no its entire bloodline, and your sworn promise and proof of a spell that will keep all roaches out of my fucking tower and then I’ll come back. Otherwise I’m burning the tower with you all in it if I have to.”

“Tony!”

Tony ignored Steve as he ended the call. He got to Malibu just as the first video arrived. He loved his boyfriends. There were three videos. The first was winter soldier style assassination which meant Bucky was dressed in full assassin gear and silting the throat of a cockroach. The next was the satisfying video of both Loki and Bucky burning a pile of that little bastards clearly the two had ended the roach’s bloodline. And the next was Loki putting up wards that would keep out all spiders and roaches. And if they added the bonus of a video of Clint hog tied to the ceiling while gagged and Fury with his still awesome prank hair bitch slapping him like a motherfucker well Tony didn’t say anything about it as his two boyfriends arrived with no judgement whatsoever over his reaction. After rewarding the two with an entire night of sex he made a mental note to thank Peter because if he hadn’t scared the shit out of Loki he wouldn’t have this right now.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Also for all my lovely readers, i love to make people laugh and I love crack treated seriously stories. If you have any ideas please let me know. It doesn't have to be this same pairing. I'm always up for different pairings, this just happens to be my favorite.


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